You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
