The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
