Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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