You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
