i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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