I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
