How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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