i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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