I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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