He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
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