Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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