Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
