alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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