Three words: puerto rican gang bang
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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