Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
