I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
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