I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
