I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Drunk is a universal language darling
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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