i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
