i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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