Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Randomize
