Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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