I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
sarcasm needs its own font
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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