I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Randomize
