Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
