All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
