Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
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