I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
