Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize
