I must be too annoying 4 u.
Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
