Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
