Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
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