Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
