just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
