Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Randomize
