I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
