You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Randomize
