My sheets look like a crime scene.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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