Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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