True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
