I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Randomize
