**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
