I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Two words: nipple clamps
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