Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
The Olympian is in my bed
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
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