It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
