Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
