By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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