After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
