I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Randomize
