My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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