Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
