I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Randomize
