Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Randomize
