haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Randomize
