I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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