When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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