Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Randomize