i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Randomize
