Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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