Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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