Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
No I am not eating basil off your cock
you inspire me to be a worse person
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
